
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak...	entries friends calendar

X posted [13 Jan 2005|07:51pm]

[ mood | bored ]

[ music | Hole // Doll parts ]

I cleared out my wardobe&draws today. I've got lots of old clothes I am willing to sell/Trade. Most of the clothes are 'gothy' I'll put a list of the things on here later.

I am willing to trade for;
*Green army shirt
*green tee/jumper
*Retro tee
*Courtney love biography.

Please leave a comment if you are interested.

Much love,

Am I Your Anything?

[26 May 2004|10:56am]

[ mood | crushed ]

[ music | aerosmith // love in a elevator ]

*le sigh* no letter...

14 Am I Your Anything?

[15 May 2004|06:26pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

[ music | NIN // like an animal ]

Ok, my journal is now friends only thanks to the little cunts who decided to leave such lovely comments in my last entry. Whoever you are, get out. I don't need you telling me to kill myself, what can i say? been there. Also, you don't actually know me, and if you are a friend of maxines, i have been trying to make up with her. And you know nothing about jaz. You think its big insulting me over the internet? that if you tell me to kill myself i'll do it, just because you said to. I think not.

31 Am I Your Anything?

[14 May 2004|04:32pm]

[ mood | irritated ]

[ music | my ruin // weightless ]

my god these past few days have been hetic.

I went to the prom. Got completely fucked before leaving marys house, insisted on calling an ambulence as i wasn't meant to be drinking while on medication, and i was so ill. Sarah and Zoe looked after me tho.

Prom was okish...everyone was drunk, zoe got sent home for being sick, the music was shit. But there you go.

Thursday was a pile of puke. At about 8.45 - 9am i got a call from mary telling me to get my arse into school. I told her i'd come later. I then decided to get up and go school to get it over and done with. I get out the shower, and i get a call from sarah saying the same thing. I explain that i'm getting ready and coming. I decided and told the drama group that i'd be in school for 2 hours to practice our play, then go home.

2 hours passed....no practising done. Everyone just fucked around, so i decided to paint my display board for art.

Everyone tries to make me stay in school all day so that we can practice after lunch. No one would take 'NO!' for an answer, so i said i'd go. I went home for lunch, told my mom. I started getting worked up and upset as everyone at school has treated me like shit this week. They take no notice to the fact that the whole reason i'm not in school is because i'm mentally ill, and try to make me work hard and feel like shit everyday.

Mom decided it would be best for me to stay home as i was really upset and in no shape to go anywhere alone. So i sat at the table painting. I then got a text from mary say9ing something like 'If you want a fucking drama gcse get into school now. whats the point if your not gonna turn up? i thewn completely lost it, started screaming and crying and throwing things around. Mom got really mad and wanted to use my phone and ring mary, but i told her no. She then wanted to speak to my drama teacher, but i told her she can't. I ended up going back, it took me ages to let go of my mom, i didnt want to go anywhere without her. I got to school, no one really spoke to me. At the end of the evening, they told me i had to be in school at 7am today.

Went to school at 7am today...practised...did the play. Did well. Well done to me.

Fuck you!
NEVER ~~again~~

I also have ezcma everywhere from being depressed and stressed. It bleeds, it itches and i don't like it. Its on my legs, tummy and side near my right tit. Fucking hell, gets better and better doesn't it?

21 Am I Your Anything?

[11 May 2004|08:12pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | radiohead // optimisic ]

crying again...

Mom has just told me she has scarlet fever again, and its gonna keep coming back.

I've been so down all day, Ed told me i could come over, and thats all i looked forward too. He'd hold me and it would be okay. But no, hes gone to kyles. I know they haven't hung out at night for ages, but he sees them everyday while i'm stuck at home.

I wouldn't have minded, but tonight i really needed him. Why can't anyone be here when i need them?
I'm sick of this, everything gets fucked up in one way or another.

1 Am I Your Anything?

[11 May 2004|12:37pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | QA // weeds ]

i made this today, its leon and ed on a swing where we live. obviously the pics were taken when leon was alive. Yeah so...thats him. i miss him so much.

i woke up this morning and cried. I'm not sure why, i just feel really down today. I don't wanna go the prom tomorrow as it will be crap music, hardly anyone will talk to me and my 'date' and i arn't getting along. Also i don't want to waste my moms money as last night my dad had ago at me for spending too much. So i don't think i'll go. There will be plenty more events like this to come at college, but the people there won't be complete twats like the people who will be there tomorrow.

So...today i'm to be getting a tshirt and some paint... but i don't know if i can be bothered. Eds staying home so i'll have to ask my mom to come with me.

*le sigh* i can't see my shrink til june 6th as shes ill...god knows what i'm gonna d0.

Bye <3

4 Am I Your Anything?

[10 May 2004|06:15pm]

[ mood | okay ]

[ music | muse // feeling good ]

I'm all wet >.<
Today when we started walking home from school it chucked it down, i've never seen it rain so bad. Tehe its oki tho coz everyone looks hawt when they're wet.

It was Mrs.Day's memorial today, it was really sad. She was so lufferly <3 Leons memorial is getting sorted out i thinks.

I forgot to mention that i order a My Ruin ticket on saturday *WeEeE* so i'm going to see them on sunday.

Today i was in school all day doing drama. It sucked because i started to feel really down and i wanted to go home but no one would let me. So at break i tried to ring my mom to get her to come pick me up or something, but she was still at the doctors. Meh.

Glen is gonna copying me an album <3 hes wonderful. I did have it but i broke it last year. meh.

Nothing else to say. i need a ~~cigarette~~

luff sez xoxox

Am I Your Anything?

[09 May 2004|03:45pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | QA // razorblade sky ]

wow 3rd entry today.

I've been talking to luke and things are complicated...he feels like he has to stay away from me now otherwise he lusts over me. I feel depressed over this because i always thought he was my friend. I've known him for years, and this is what it has come down to ~ having to stay away from me. Hes even thinking about not going to my party. I feel upset and hurt...i thought he was there for me. He seem to think i blocked him out of my life, but i didn't. =( i hate falling out with my friends, it makes me incomplete.
Sometimes i know the world was better without me.

I read Jaz's journal (im sorry to put this jaz) and i didn't like what i read. I'm not bothered over maxine anymore. Although a few weeks ago she said ' its up to jaz who she likes'. And this statement in the journal feels like she has picked maxine. I've loved her for so long, and now i feel all is lost.

God damn.

Am I Your Anything?

[09 May 2004|03:19pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | HIM // please don't let go ]

*cries*

please don't let go

2 Am I Your Anything?

[09 May 2004|02:34pm]

[ mood | bored ]

[ music | meatloaf // bat outta hell ]

I got a letter from bry yesterday with some 00ber cute bracelets and a necklace =) thankee bry. I will send you a letter this week. Luff you <3

Yesterday i popped into town to get some stuff...came home with ed and had some tea. Got ready to go the gig. I wore my vintage docs, fishnet stockings and suspenders, a short black skirt, black strapey top and a dark red vintage shirt.

Gig was good, i was drunk before it even started tehe. Distillutioned were great, they made a song for leon, it was really sweet. It made me crys water but i didn't want to cry infront of everyone.

Chloe was there with her boyfriend. She spoke to Ed [GrR] and not me... we were watching her dance...it was embrassing because she looked so stupid lol. Ah well.

Ed's mom picked us up and we went to Ed's. Watched some dodgey program, then deb and jerry went to bed, so me and ed watched a really old film called wolf. It was 00ber cheesey.

Today i'm trying to sort out my plans for my party, i gotta ask loads of people and see if they can all get there [groan].

1 Am I Your Anything?

[07 May 2004|05:16pm]

[ mood | dorky ]

[ music | marilyn manson // you spin me round ]

my head hurts =(

i got my package from Isa today =) inside there were 3 bracelets, one bracelet that says stormy, a cat bag, a witch and bat badge, a rose quartz crystal, an exam spell and some stuff from witchfest. EeE shes great.

I didn't do much today, went to town, posted some letters. Got some fags and fishnet stockings, which i am wearing at this moment with my suspenders.

Sting called his show =( so my parents won't be seeing him til later this year. I dunno if i can still stay at eds now...hopefully i can.

I'm gonna get velvet goldmine tomorrow, as i completely forgot to get it today.

I also need to get some vodka and coke so i'm armed for tomorrow night.

My mom has just finished my black dress for the crucible... i look so dumb and un-hot lol. Mom said i look like i have just been baptized. EEEK!!!

Thats all i have to say for now.

<3

2 Am I Your Anything?

[06 May 2004|06:54pm]

[ mood | weird ]

[ music | dead or alive // you spin me around ]

tehe!!! this song is so cool! i know i'm sad, i remember this from years ago, and someone sang it today, so i decided to listen. you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby god i'm sad.

Today has been weirdly fun. I didn't go drama, Ed came over and i had to paint his nails. I was in such a moo mood, i see him and he always makes himself look so good, and his make up is always perfect. I looked in the mirror and nearly cried. I'm my self confidence has gone and i feel ugly. meh.

He cheered me up by taking me to town. We went to loads of shops looking at crystals and other magick stuff. Then he bought a witches hand book [by kate west, shes great!]. Hes really getting into all this now, its weird because both are familys are into magic and spiritual stuff. I was kinda born into it.

Then we found some friends, it is Jen and Liz's birthday today. So we all went the soup kitchen, me and ed sat with grant and simon [my gay couple] they are wonderful. Grant was getting 00berly horny so he kept putting si's hand of his willy lol.

When we all went, Vicky decided to buy 2 big cakes, coke, party hats and cups. So we sat on the grass in st. Marys singing happy birthday and being all loserish. it was fun <3 lol

Isa sent my present today, she said it will be here tomorrow or saturday <3 *yay*!!! we both got each other a present for samhain, and we were gonna meet up but we never had chance. I'll be meeting her in the summer tho, and shes going witchfest *EeE* so i'll see her there too.

I went into HMV and found velvet goldmine [YeSSSS!!!] so i hid it, and i'm gonna buy it tomorrow as i didn't have enough cash for it today.

Luff sez xoxox

3 Am I Your Anything?

[05 May 2004|07:29pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

[ music | QA // soda dreamerr ]

new layout <3 i love it, so its gonna be here for a while. I'm really pleased with it, as i did all the design and coding crap myself. Go me!

hope you guys like it too.

<3

4 Am I Your Anything?

[05 May 2004|04:14pm]

[ mood | indescribable ]

[ music | my ruin // speak+destroy ]

i can't explain the way i feel right now. I'm angry, sad, and i can't stop crying.

Someone has gone and said everything i needed to hear to bring me down again. thanks, you know who you are.

Obviously alot has changed in the 4 days i have been gone.~~Jaz~~...if you still like me, please let me know, coz your clever friend has opened her mouth again.

you murder me just to ~~watch me bleed~~

4 Am I Your Anything?

i'm back [05 May 2004|03:46pm]

[ mood | sick ]

[ music | RATM // testify ]

fuck man. i feel so sick today. I'm getting more head rush and dizzy spells when i get up, so i think i'll end up fainting again.

so...how was the weekend?

saturday

Went to jennys with mommykins, daddykins, brother and eddie moochi wah wah. Got to jen's...had some lunch and a few beers. Then me, ed, ash, jen and mom went to the crystal healing shop. I got a new pentagram ring, and ed got some stones.

Hmmm...went back to jennys. Fii <3 and chris came over for tea...had more to drink. Me and ed sat in the kitchen drunk singing random songs, smoking and making out <3 EeE

Then we went back to fii and chris's house to sleep there. Got even more drunkie ^.^ had a girly chat with fii. Meanwhile chris tought ash how to roll lol.
Then we did some magic stuff...Eds really getting into it bless him.
Went to bed around 2.30am.

Sunday Ed, ash and chris went to the skate park. Me and fii were 00ber sleepy, so we had a sofa each and watched pulp fiction.
Went back to jennys for tea, it was yummy, we had this 00ber yum steak. Then we went the fair tehe.

Got back, watched some weird film about a robot O.o then everyone went to bed. So me and ed had a fag, then went into my bedroom and sat talking all sweet and drunkish. I made him cry [oops] coz i said nice things and it made him happy.

monday i went the docshop to get my 18 holers, but did they have any? NO!!! GrR. Didn't do much...went home...

tuesday Went to the doctors, he put me on more mind fucking pills. I felt kinda down and it pain as i'm on >.< THEN!!!!!...i walked into this charity shop with my mom to drop off some things, and i found a pair of vintage 70's docs, flowery, velvet 14 holers, and new <3 i had to have them. They were meant to be 10 bucks, but the boss person let me have them for 7. Then i went this other shop with my mom coz she wanted a book, and i found a pair of pvc docs, which i wanted for like a year, so i got them too.they were also 7 bucks.
EeE i was so happy with them.

Then i had to go school to practice our drama stuff. boring...la la la....got a load of cousework back which i had to give in the next day. So i sat at home doing that all night.

Today i finished my coursework, went to drama. Came home, had a fag. Did some painting, watched the matrix and felt sick.

I've been having problems with people at the moment so i feel pretty shit. Everyone seems to depend on me right now and its dragging me down more. And they tell me how pissed off they are with me, and how ive let them down, and how dissapointed they are with me. [le sigh] Someone dig me a grave.

5 Am I Your Anything?

[29 Apr 2004|10:18pm]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | DSA // therapy scares me ]

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't actually have anything to say, i just feel like updating to show off my new blinkie.

luff

2 Am I Your Anything?

[29 Apr 2004|04:48pm]

[ mood | sick ]

[ music | cky // 96 quite bitter beings ]

i have hay fever =(
i got such a bad headache, my nose is all blocked and i can't stop sneezing, and i'm all shivery. Not to mention this isn't doing much good for my asthma.

So i feel all icky =(

Today i had to goto school at 8.50 for my drama lesson. My teacher told me she hadn't got part of my coursework and that its getting sent to the exam board. So i panicked, as i do. Then i realised it was at home, so she asked me to bring it in later today. ~~what a bitch~~

So i went to town with my mommy, she got me some black rip curl jeans with flowers on the pockets, theyre grand ^.^

Then i went back to school to give in my work, came home, had a smoothie <3 and painkillers [i swear im addicted] then a cigarette. Mom had to take up my jeans as i'm a midget >.< its so gay,. every pair of trousers i buy have to be taken up.

I put up mu canopy, it looks 00ber pretty, i <333333 it lots.

Thats about all i did today, all very boring as you can see.

<3

Am I Your Anything?

[28 Apr 2004|04:53pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

[ music | placebo // scared of girls ]

Today i spend all day tidying my room. Not just a quick tidy tho...junking out!!!
I threw away so much rubbish and crap, it was amazing. I moved my bed and wardrobe (sp?) too, ready for my pink canopy which is going up tonight =)
I had to move my posters around too, and sort loads of clothes and things out. I dusted and hoovered O.O amazing.

So my room looks alot better and bigger now, and i'm really pleased with it =) Mom made me 3 cushion covers, 2 made of purple furr which i got yesterday, and one out of a dark purple sharri (sp?) they look 00ber pretty.
I've spent all day on it, and i've only just taken off my p.j's and got in and out the shower lol. I'm such a slob.

I might get a new journal, no one ever eally comments here anymore *sniffs* your all ~~mean~~!!!

Also, anyone whose in mine and jaz's glitterxdolls community, please start posting, its gone dead. I've put up a survey thing to wake everyone up, so go
fill it in!!!

Also , Jaz, i got your tshirt ready, so let me know when you wanna do the swap, i miss having letters =(
Someone write to meee!!!!!

anyways, i'll stop annoying everyone now.

luff + candy <3

4 Am I Your Anything?

[26 Apr 2004|05:14pm]

[ mood | sad ]

[ music | my ruin // american pyscho ]

Saturday
It was a pretty day and sezzy went to st marys and sat in the sun all day. Then ed came for pizza and drunkness in the evening and it was all fun.

Sunday
i didn't get up until late, i came on here for a while. I had a BBQ, very yummeh. Then Ed rung and invited me to his dads, because its ethans 1st birthday. I was really nervous but it was fun, i got drunked =) again.

when i got home dad was saying how he thinks hes failed me and its his fault im fucked up. This put me way down.

Monday
I went to town today. Eds having an all nighter in the birdhouse getting stoned and i'm uopset over it. i dont wanna say much more, i just feel shit. I want to cut.

1 Am I Your Anything?

[24 Apr 2004|10:19am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

[ music | marilyn manson // last day on earth ]

well last night sucked completely!

I managed to get through quater of a song with joel when the other members of the band pissed around with their guitars and didn't give me a chance. So i wasted my night bascially. I sat in a small room full of stuff like amp's for 2 hours doing fuck all.

Joel was really sorry and he said the band is always 'harsh' to new comers. And that he'd like to write songs with me because i have qa good voice and good lyrics.

I feel completely put-off by this whole 'join the band and sing' thing now... i have so much trouble with my confidence and self esteem and now its just gone down again.

So... i dunno if i'll both turned up to the next practise.

*le sigh* I feel depressed today. Its a shame coz its a beautiful day again. I think i'll go town and buy some stuff then just go find someone to annoy.
I don't think anyone will bother to call and say 'hey sez come town with us'... so i have to make my own way there.

sorry to be moaning again.

<3

4 Am I Your Anything?